Message from Mrs. Bello, School Counselor:

 

We now have 7 Parenting CDs available for lending in the NES Guidance office that are just a phone call or email away.. some include the following messages from Kirk Martin & Celebrate Calm.  Please email Mrs. Bello at christi_bello@hcpss.org or call 410-313-2806 to borrow resources. 

5 Lies About Parenting~

The fact that you are reading this means you're investing your limited time to become a more mature person. Let's blow up several myths and internalize these truths:

1) If you do everything right, your home life will be so perfect.

You can't do it all. The sad part is that many parents allow societal expectations to shape their view of themselves. You have to fight this, Moms and Dads. Do not compare yourself. Do not give in to this idealized vision of parents that you see on TV. You are not supposed to be perfect. You cannot make every situation right or manage everyone's emotions. The message from "Straight Talk for Moms" is that it is not your job to make everyone else happy because you'll only make yourself miserable. Learn to say no and make yourself a priority.

2) If you were a great parent, your kids would be well-behaved all the time.  If you have kids who aren't exploring, wrestling and messing up the house rather routinely (no, I don't mean kids totally out of control without discipline), then something is wrong with your kids.  Kids are supposed to act like kids. They are supposed to push the limits, explore, color outside the lines, poke things and people. We need to encourage that curiosity, not demand 24/7 compliance.

3) It's all your fault!  A parent sent me this message because her daughter is a picky eater. "I am up late because it is on my mind and bothering me.  I am going over all the ways I have caused this to happen...how this is all my fault."

Do not beat yourself up over things like this. This is not your fault. Neither is it your fault that your child is bossy, struggles socially, has difficulty focusing on boring subjects, leaves a mess wherever he goes, can't seem to find anything, etc. Instead of wasting energy blaming yourself, seek to understand WHY your child struggles in different areas and then develop solutions to help them succeed.

4) You are responsible for your child's happiness and choices. No you are not. Your child is. You are responsible for modeling behavior and teaching your children how to control themselves. If they are bored, fine. "Boredom is a choice. Wow, that must stink. I'm not bored. So what are you going to do about YOUR boredom?" That said, if Mom or Dad can't control their own emotions, how can you expect your kids to?

"I was journaling and what came out was 'if she would eat better I would feel like a better parent. My success as a parent depends on her eating behavior.'" DO NOT base your parent goodness on your child's behavior or happiness. This is a huge trap because we're basing our feelings on what someone else does. Please listen to CD #4 on the Calm Kids Parenting set: it will show you how to get your kids to be responsible for themselves...and relieve you from your guilt! (It's the same dangerous trap as saying, "If my spouse or kids would just do x, I would be happy."

5) How do YOU behave when your kids misbehave?

Our job as parents isn't really measured by how kids act. Rather, it's how WE respond when they act up. Seeing a child throw a tantrum in Aisle 4 at WalMart doesn't surprise me; watching the child's parent throw a tantrum does disturb me!

Are you able to be the calm, connected problem-solver when your kids are upset? Or do you respond to their screaming...by screaming? Does your yelling make it worse or can you calm your kids? If you are tired of the constant yelling, nagging and power struggles, you and your children just need tools. Specific words to use. New actions to take. You can learn this. And once your kids learn to control their own behavior....self-discipline lasts a lifetime!